“Judy’s passion in life was to promote connection through communication.” These are the words I want on my tombstone. This may be the greatest contribution I can make in my lifetime.

When I was young, independence was a major goal. Years later I acknowledged that independence was impossible. We are all interdependent, relying on those around us to obey the laws and mores of our times, though we often forget about the interdependency we have on one another’s words. I experienced an “aha!” moment when I acknowledged how hurtful or helpful words can be.

This interwoven word play occurred recently at a meeting when we were discussing the power of words. A maintenance worker came into the room complaining that we were parked in the slots designated for the residents with disabilities. After he left, someone commented that “he sure was territorial.”
I suggested replacing territorial, which to me connoted someone acting bossy or pushy, with “It sounds like he was being protective of the residents”. The discussion about how words can color a conversation with positive brush strokes or negative ones suddenly became germane.

If we assume that others have had the same experiences as we did, it might follow that they carry the same emotional baggage. A word which evokes one type of memory or reaction for an individual may produce an entirely different reaction or have no relevance at all to another. The wrong word or an emotionally charged word(s) often elicit an unintended reaction.

A perfect example of this happened when a friend could no longer care for her husband at home and tearfully said, “I have to put my husband in a nursing home.” Put as she used it seemed to imply that the person putting had more power than the person being put. With a little coaching, my friend rephrased her statement: “I can no longer provide appropriate care for my husband. I will move him to a home where his needs can be met.” The situation sounded less threatening to the individual who needed additional care and eased the guilt she felt.

In court people come to confront their adversaries. As a mediator, I must create an environment where participants feel safe to talk about the problem, to express emotions, and feel heard. Early in a mediation, I suggest that by agreeing to mediate they are no longer adversaries but become participants in a process to find a solution that works for both parties.

In mediation a word used by a participant or a mediator can move the process forward or stop it in its tracks. Once a participant called the other a “liar.” That person responded by jumping up and knocking over her chair. When I suggested that the speaker might want to use a word which was less inflammatory, he said, “She doesn’t tell the truth.” Then he added, “She has a different perspective than I do.” The subtle shift this generated opened the door for the beginning of a fruitful discussion.

Robert Benjamin, in “Managing the Natural Energy of Conflict,” indicates that words have a certain magic: “Particular words and language used to frame a dispute can alter or shift the context.” He contends that words such as “custody” are excluding words, while “parenting responsibility” includes both parents.
Benjamin says, “The judicious use of words can create fertile soil in which the seeds of agreement can germinate and grow.”
Words are important.